You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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