Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
