I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
