There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
