Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
