He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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