I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wanna go halves on a baby?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
