So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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