I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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