I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
