Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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