Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
