I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
