Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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