you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
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