U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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