I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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