I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
