this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
