but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
