So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
