YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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