I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
