my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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