Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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