Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
