Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.