If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in