i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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