I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
