I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
