M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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