Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
