I got chris browned last night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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