i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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