he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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