dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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