I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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