awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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