My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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