I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
