Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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