Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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