she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
