I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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