Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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