my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish you could order shots online.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
