She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my poor anus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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