just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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