She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
