U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
