i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
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i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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