Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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