I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
