im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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