I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize