My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
