she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
