My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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