You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
